new year, new direction

so here's my big news for the new year.
i quit pharmacy school and i'm going to grad school for my PhD.
this was obviously a huge decision and i've talked it over with my family who support me in my choice. it hit me a few days before christmas - i just don't care about pharmacy any more, if i ever did.
becoming a pharmacist was a decision i made in the 10th grade. i questioned it briefly when i was a sophomore at the U and found how much i loved working in the lab but i felt that pharmacy school was what was expected of me because i had talked about it so much so i kept going for it. the signs were there. when i had to take anatomy, physiology, and microbiology for prerequisites, i hated them. i could just not bring myself to care about the material or the classes. but i loved where i worked so i figured it would get better. but i hated my first year of pharmacy school, too. i decided that it must be because i had taken all those classes or similar ones before and that i wasn't learning anything new. but i hated the next year. then i thought i must be because i was struggling with kidney stones and was out of it for about a month and a half. but then i still hated it this past semester. it was near impossible for me to care about any of the material, which made it hard to pay attention in class or to study for tests. i tried but not my hardest. my heart wasn't in it. even going back to work over breaks became less enjoyable.
i love the pharmacy and the people i work with but not what i do. my favorite part of work was figuring out difficult insurance problems or doing other things that were barely pharmacy related because it allowed me a chance to work through a problem. i wasn't just parroting information from LexiComp or Epocrates. i never wanted to be a doctor's reference book.
i also never made it a secret that i was only going to pharmacy school so that i could earn both a PharmD and a PhD and go into research. in fact, that's one of the main reasons why UGA wanted me. they told me that they were trying to start a dual-degree program and that i would help them launch it and work out any kinks. however, 2 and a half years later, they seem to be no closer to getting a program started now than they were when i interviewed with them. i don't blame them. i know such a huge undertaking takes time. but while i was waiting, i was getting more in debt and inching closer and closer to becoming a retail pharmacist for the rest of my life. i admire my peers and the pharmacists i work with. i know what they do is important and difficult. but it's not what interests me.
my happiest moments while i have been at UGA have been while i worked in a research lab. those are the days i would actually call or email my parents and tell them what i was working on. those were the days i was excited to get up and go to school. those were the days that i put my heart and soul into something. even running columns was more enjoyable than anything else i was doing. and ever since i have made the decision to leave pharmacy school, i have been happier than i have been in years. i feel so free and relieved to no longer be pretending to be something i'm not. i'm taking 3 advanced chemistry courses this semester and i am so excited to start classes tomorrow. i'm not really sure what my life holds over the next year but i am embracing it. i'm going to take the GRE this month then look into what grad schools i want to apply to. depending on application deadlines, i may end up back in Utah to work for a year before starting on my PhD. i already know which research facilities i would like to work in but we'll see what happens.
in the meantime, i am so incredibly lucky to have such supportive friends and family - both my biological family and my pharmily. few people were really surprised to hear my decision. my unhappiness has been obvious for a while as has my disinterest. those people who know me well know where my passions lie. my parents have apparently been expecting something like this for a few months. i am so incredibly grateful for the opportunity i have had to come out to georgia and to meet some truly awesome people. i have forged friendships that i hope will last a lifetime. i have also learned a lot about myself - including the fact that it's okay to make mistakes and to do something crazy like completely change the course of my life.
thank you all for your support and love. i'll keep you updated on where my life is going.
happy new year. :)