so here's my big news for the new year.
i quit pharmacy school and i'm going to grad school for my PhD.
this was obviously a huge decision and i've talked it over with my family who support me in my choice. it hit me a few days before christmas - i just don't care about pharmacy any more, if i ever did.
becoming a pharmacist was a decision i made in the 10th grade. i questioned it briefly when i was a sophomore at the U and found how much i loved working in the lab but i felt that pharmacy school was what was expected of me because i had talked about it so much so i kept going for it. the signs were there. when i had to take anatomy, physiology, and microbiology for prerequisites, i hated them. i could just not bring myself to care about the material or the classes. but i loved where i worked so i figured it would get better. but i hated my first year of pharmacy school, too. i decided that it must be because i had taken all those classes or similar ones before and that i wasn't learning anything new. but i hated the next year. then i thought i must be because i was struggling with kidney stones and was out of it for about a month and a half. but then i still hated it this past semester. it was near impossible for me to care about any of the material, which made it hard to pay attention in class or to study for tests. i tried but not my hardest. my heart wasn't in it. even going back to work over breaks became less enjoyable.
i love the pharmacy and the people i work with but not what i do. my favorite part of work was figuring out difficult insurance problems or doing other things that were barely pharmacy related because it allowed me a chance to work through a problem. i wasn't just parroting information from LexiComp or Epocrates. i never wanted to be a doctor's reference book.
i also never made it a secret that i was only going to pharmacy school so that i could earn both a PharmD and a PhD and go into research. in fact, that's one of the main reasons why UGA wanted me. they told me that they were trying to start a dual-degree program and that i would help them launch it and work out any kinks. however, 2 and a half years later, they seem to be no closer to getting a program started now than they were when i interviewed with them. i don't blame them. i know such a huge undertaking takes time. but while i was waiting, i was getting more in debt and inching closer and closer to becoming a retail pharmacist for the rest of my life. i admire my peers and the pharmacists i work with. i know what they do is important and difficult. but it's not what interests me.
my happiest moments while i have been at UGA have been while i worked in a research lab. those are the days i would actually call or email my parents and tell them what i was working on. those were the days i was excited to get up and go to school. those were the days that i put my heart and soul into something. even running columns was more enjoyable than anything else i was doing. and ever since i have made the decision to leave pharmacy school, i have been happier than i have been in years. i feel so free and relieved to no longer be pretending to be something i'm not. i'm taking 3 advanced chemistry courses this semester and i am so excited to start classes tomorrow. i'm not really sure what my life holds over the next year but i am embracing it. i'm going to take the GRE this month then look into what grad schools i want to apply to. depending on application deadlines, i may end up back in Utah to work for a year before starting on my PhD. i already know which research facilities i would like to work in but we'll see what happens.
in the meantime, i am so incredibly lucky to have such supportive friends and family - both my biological family and my pharmily. few people were really surprised to hear my decision. my unhappiness has been obvious for a while as has my disinterest. those people who know me well know where my passions lie. my parents have apparently been expecting something like this for a few months. i am so incredibly grateful for the opportunity i have had to come out to georgia and to meet some truly awesome people. i have forged friendships that i hope will last a lifetime. i have also learned a lot about myself - including the fact that it's okay to make mistakes and to do something crazy like completely change the course of my life.
thank you all for your support and love. i'll keep you updated on where my life is going.
happy new year. :)
Sunday, January 5, 2014
Wednesday, March 27, 2013
women in science
i know it's been a long time since i last updated and there are actually quite a few things i should talk about but right now i am seriously upset and i just need to vent.
that being said, take everything written from this point on with a grain of salt. chances are that i'll say something now that i wouldn't say if i had taken a day to calm down.
today i became aware of a discussion surrounding a certain facebook page that celebrates science. people have recently discovered that the owner and administrator of this page possesses lady parts. naturally, this has caused the internet to have a meltdown. another owner of lady parts wrote a blog about how sad it is that our society naturally assumes SCIENCE = MANLY. this blogger also pointed out how the facebook page owner was made uncomfortable when people started to comment on how they thought she was aesthetically pleasing. now the blogger is being torn to shreds because she dared to tell those who commented that THEY MADE SOMEONE UNCOMFORTABLE. she is making a "big deal" out of something that is really not a problem.
guess what?
THIS IS REALLY A PROBLEM.
THIS IS REALLY A BIG PROBLEM.
when i was in elementary, junior high, and high school, i was smart. i didn't feel weird for liking my chemistry classes or getting the highest grades in math. i thought i was cool. the friends i had thought i was pretty cool, too. or at least they thought i wasn't terribly UNcool. they did hang around me.
then college came.
those same friends and those supportive teachers weren't there anymore. i wasn't in a class of 30 kids. i was in classes of 300. luckily, i managed to find a support group of 20 other brilliant females who were also scientifically inclined. still, 21 vs 30,000 is pretty bad odds. we studied together, took classes together, even lived together. we created a safe haven for ourselves where we could be both scientists and girls. we could discuss organic chemistry one minute and shoes the next AND THIS WAS NOT THOUGHT OF AS STRANGE. the 21 of us had our own little utopia. unfortunately, we all started to choose our majors and career paths and began to take separate classes. some of us moved away to med school. some of us got married. some of us lost touch. and that was when i first realized that the world has a problem.
i was taking a PDEs class where i was one of about 40 students. i was also 1 of 4 female students. i was the only female student i would classify as "girly." every day that i walked into that classroom, half of the males would stare at me in disbelief and/or condescension. the general feeling in the classroom was "how cute that she thinks she can handle this math." the other girls were slightly more tolerated (or should i say "they were more ignored"?) because they didn't flaunt their "girliness." i don't judge those girls for what they wore or how they did their hair. for all i know, it was a coping mechanism and the moment they got out of that classroom, they were dressed in pink from head to toe. what i do know is that the 4 of us girls sat on opposite sides of the room. we never spoke to each other. i think we were afraid to band together because that would call more attention down upon us. so every day, i sat by myself off to the side, trying to listen to the lecture and learn while also trying not to appear weak. i never once asked a question during class because that would admit that i didn't know something. i would wait until class was over then speak to the professor in private. once i answered a question correctly after one of my male peers had given a wrong answer. the glares i received sent the message loud and clear that i was not welcome. once i worked up the courage to approach some of my classmates before class to ask them about a homework problem. the boys looked me over from head to toe, shoved a notebook in my direction, turned their backs and proceeded to ignore me. all i wanted was for someone to explain the problem to me, not give me the answer to copy. none of them even looked up when i left the table. eventually the semester ended. i don't remember much of what i learned about partial differential equations but i will never forget what i learned about men. from then on, my approach to science and math classes was changed. i was immediately on the defensive every time i stepped into a classroom or lab. i did my best not to speak up or answer questions. i had been told where my place was. if i had to be in a science class, i should at least sit there with my mouth shut.
sadly, i consider myself one of the lucky ones. some of those 21 girls went into engineering. the department of chemistry is an estrogen party compared to the engineering schools. i'm still amazed that we made it out of college with degrees and now we're in med school, grad school, pharmacy school, PA school, working in labs, teaching math classes, raising families, and, most incredible of all, we are FUNCTIONAL. we all came out with battle scars but we made it out. how many girls who were not quite so sure if they loved science were scared away because of situations like these? how many brilliant minds have been wasted?
basically, what i really want to say is that NO male has the right to tell me or any other female that we should not be offended when they make comments about how surprised they are that we are scientists. "but it's not like they told me to get back into the kitchen, right?" WRONG. if you want to say something, say "that's awesome. what got you interested in science?" or "cool. i never really understood o chem so i admire anyone who does." or "i like science, too. i wonder what other shared interests we have." also, if you're going to ask a girl what her major is, be prepared for an answer like "chemistry" or "astrophysics" or "biomedical engineering" because when she says one of those things and you reply ".......oh. well, nice meeting you." and turn away to talk to that hot business major, you're perpetuating this awful cycle. you won't remember that encounter, but she will.
that being said, take everything written from this point on with a grain of salt. chances are that i'll say something now that i wouldn't say if i had taken a day to calm down.
today i became aware of a discussion surrounding a certain facebook page that celebrates science. people have recently discovered that the owner and administrator of this page possesses lady parts. naturally, this has caused the internet to have a meltdown. another owner of lady parts wrote a blog about how sad it is that our society naturally assumes SCIENCE = MANLY. this blogger also pointed out how the facebook page owner was made uncomfortable when people started to comment on how they thought she was aesthetically pleasing. now the blogger is being torn to shreds because she dared to tell those who commented that THEY MADE SOMEONE UNCOMFORTABLE. she is making a "big deal" out of something that is really not a problem.
guess what?
THIS IS REALLY A PROBLEM.
THIS IS REALLY A BIG PROBLEM.
when i was in elementary, junior high, and high school, i was smart. i didn't feel weird for liking my chemistry classes or getting the highest grades in math. i thought i was cool. the friends i had thought i was pretty cool, too. or at least they thought i wasn't terribly UNcool. they did hang around me.
then college came.
those same friends and those supportive teachers weren't there anymore. i wasn't in a class of 30 kids. i was in classes of 300. luckily, i managed to find a support group of 20 other brilliant females who were also scientifically inclined. still, 21 vs 30,000 is pretty bad odds. we studied together, took classes together, even lived together. we created a safe haven for ourselves where we could be both scientists and girls. we could discuss organic chemistry one minute and shoes the next AND THIS WAS NOT THOUGHT OF AS STRANGE. the 21 of us had our own little utopia. unfortunately, we all started to choose our majors and career paths and began to take separate classes. some of us moved away to med school. some of us got married. some of us lost touch. and that was when i first realized that the world has a problem.
i was taking a PDEs class where i was one of about 40 students. i was also 1 of 4 female students. i was the only female student i would classify as "girly." every day that i walked into that classroom, half of the males would stare at me in disbelief and/or condescension. the general feeling in the classroom was "how cute that she thinks she can handle this math." the other girls were slightly more tolerated (or should i say "they were more ignored"?) because they didn't flaunt their "girliness." i don't judge those girls for what they wore or how they did their hair. for all i know, it was a coping mechanism and the moment they got out of that classroom, they were dressed in pink from head to toe. what i do know is that the 4 of us girls sat on opposite sides of the room. we never spoke to each other. i think we were afraid to band together because that would call more attention down upon us. so every day, i sat by myself off to the side, trying to listen to the lecture and learn while also trying not to appear weak. i never once asked a question during class because that would admit that i didn't know something. i would wait until class was over then speak to the professor in private. once i answered a question correctly after one of my male peers had given a wrong answer. the glares i received sent the message loud and clear that i was not welcome. once i worked up the courage to approach some of my classmates before class to ask them about a homework problem. the boys looked me over from head to toe, shoved a notebook in my direction, turned their backs and proceeded to ignore me. all i wanted was for someone to explain the problem to me, not give me the answer to copy. none of them even looked up when i left the table. eventually the semester ended. i don't remember much of what i learned about partial differential equations but i will never forget what i learned about men. from then on, my approach to science and math classes was changed. i was immediately on the defensive every time i stepped into a classroom or lab. i did my best not to speak up or answer questions. i had been told where my place was. if i had to be in a science class, i should at least sit there with my mouth shut.
sadly, i consider myself one of the lucky ones. some of those 21 girls went into engineering. the department of chemistry is an estrogen party compared to the engineering schools. i'm still amazed that we made it out of college with degrees and now we're in med school, grad school, pharmacy school, PA school, working in labs, teaching math classes, raising families, and, most incredible of all, we are FUNCTIONAL. we all came out with battle scars but we made it out. how many girls who were not quite so sure if they loved science were scared away because of situations like these? how many brilliant minds have been wasted?
basically, what i really want to say is that NO male has the right to tell me or any other female that we should not be offended when they make comments about how surprised they are that we are scientists. "but it's not like they told me to get back into the kitchen, right?" WRONG. if you want to say something, say "that's awesome. what got you interested in science?" or "cool. i never really understood o chem so i admire anyone who does." or "i like science, too. i wonder what other shared interests we have." also, if you're going to ask a girl what her major is, be prepared for an answer like "chemistry" or "astrophysics" or "biomedical engineering" because when she says one of those things and you reply ".......oh. well, nice meeting you." and turn away to talk to that hot business major, you're perpetuating this awful cycle. you won't remember that encounter, but she will.
Saturday, February 25, 2012
take a look! it's in a book!
second, several months ago you may have noticed a new "library" tab at the top of my blog. it's now partially updated. i've listed the books i currently have with me and a few of the ones i have at home. i'll try to finish it over spring break.
if you ever want to borrow a book, just send me an email or a facebook message or a text or leave a comment here! if you're in georgia and want to borrow a book that's in utah, or vice versa, it might take a few weeks to get to you but i'll do my best (with the help of my lovely parents)
now, get reading!
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
*knock* *knock* *knock* pops!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, POPS!
today is my dad's birthday. it's the first time in my life that i haven't been there to celebrate with him. however, i just had a 2 hour long Skype call with him and the rest of my family (cat included) so i still got to see him open his presents. i got him some pretty awesome/dorky stuff. i get my nerd genes from him so it's usually pretty easy for me to shop for him.
i pretty much always get him books for every holiday. i normally pick books that i would like to read, too, because he'll hand them over to me when he's finished :) this year, i got him two books:
my other traditional gift is a tie. specifically a geeky tie.
lastly, this year i also got him a monty python game. my dad loves monty python and i do, too. we used to watch his DVDs together at night when i was in high school.
and, to top it all off, i even wrapped his presents in geeky wrapping paper.
i hope you had a good birthday, dad. i love you and i miss you!
Sunday, February 19, 2012
Saturday, February 18, 2012
spring semester!
so i figure i owe this post to at least my mother to give her some idea of how i spend my days out here. for those of you who don't know yet, i'm back in the research lab! i'm working for dr. kennedy doing organic synthesis and i love it. i knew i missed doing research but i didn't realize just how much i missed it. here is a very, very simple and short summary of what i'm doing:
somehow dr. kennedy has gotten the idea that i'm some sort of organic synthesis prodigy, ever since i told her i got my chem degree from the U. i knew the U had an amazing chem department but i'm really surprised at how my status increases when i tell people at other universities that i went there. dr. kennedy even interviewed at the U for a professorship. (oh, also, in case matt ever reads this: you may be the only one at the U to do real chemistry since you do Stanford chemistry but i'm doing Harvard chemistry so suck on that.) dr. kennedy is pretty much a genius in my eyes so i'm flattered that she thinks so highly of me. i only hope i don't end up proving her wrong. this is where i'm actually thankful for jeremie and matt for holding me to such a high standard for a college freshman in her first research lab. a lot of their lessons have actually managed to stick and my technique is pretty amazing. of course, it's also a little easier now that i actually understand the concepts behind everything that i'm doing. also, i've found i can only run a column while listening to hardcore rock. i have jeremie to thank for that as well.
if you talk to me at all in the coming weeks and months, i will probably complain about running a column at some point so i decided i might as well take the opportunity to explain the process here before everyone starts asking questions (i'm looking at you, mom and lisa).
this is the basic setup of a column. i'll try and explain it as best as i can.
first, you start with silica gel. you dissolve it in your solvent system (i'm not going to try to explain how to choose a solvent system in this post) and pour it into your glass column. you want to make sure you have enough silica so that your molecules have plenty of room to separate. second, you load your impure product on the top of the silica layer then cover that with sand. the sand is there to protect the top of your silica layer from getting disturbed when you pour solvent in. it's important that your silica layer and impure product remain as level as possible, otherwise your molecules start running down the column slanted and you get what is called "mixed fractions," meaning you have collected more than 1 type of molecule in the test tube, which is bad.
okay, now that you have all that set up, you pour in some solvent and then cap the column with a nitrogen line. you increase the pressure in the column by blowing nitrogen onto it and that makes the solvent move through it quicker than it would if you just let gravity pull it down. assuming you've chosen your solvent system correctly and done everything else correctly thus far, theoretically you should be able to let the solvent drip into the test tubes below and manage to collect only one type of molecule at a time.
now, to give you an idea of how long this can take, each of those test tubes can hold roughly 10 mL and can take about 3 minutes to fill (this can be shorter if you turn up the nitrogen even higher but you run the risk of getting a whole different set of problems if you go too fast). for this particular column i was running, i went through roughly 1 L (or 1000 mL) of solvent. remember how it was 3 minutes per 10 mL? that means it took me around 5 hours to run this column. and even then i technically wasn't finished. i was forced to stop because we ran out of the solvent i was using.
wow. actually writing it out made it that much more depressing.
anyway, enough about chemistry. i probably did a horrible job of explaining this. i'm going to try and think of how to explain the theory behind it for a future post. don't hold your breath, though.
on a lighter note, my parents love me! they sent me a box full of fun stuff for valentine's day, including refills of my medications! wooohooo! but my favorite thing tucked inside was this:
i doubt anyone knows who this is, but it is timmy from shaun the sheep. shaun the sheep is an adorable series of short episodes from the guy who made wallace and grommit. i suggest you watch the following clip to understand just how adorable timmy is. thanks mom and dad! i love you guys :)
Spring Lamb (Shaun the Sheep) from Alexey Volkov on Vimeo.
what we're doing is kind of a novel approach to drug design. most drugs are a molecule made to fit into a specific "pocket" on a protein to affect the protein's function. what we're doing is trying to alter a protein so it affects the way it interacts with other proteins.if you want to read even more about what we're doing, you can visit dr. kennedy's lab page.
somehow dr. kennedy has gotten the idea that i'm some sort of organic synthesis prodigy, ever since i told her i got my chem degree from the U. i knew the U had an amazing chem department but i'm really surprised at how my status increases when i tell people at other universities that i went there. dr. kennedy even interviewed at the U for a professorship. (oh, also, in case matt ever reads this: you may be the only one at the U to do real chemistry since you do Stanford chemistry but i'm doing Harvard chemistry so suck on that.) dr. kennedy is pretty much a genius in my eyes so i'm flattered that she thinks so highly of me. i only hope i don't end up proving her wrong. this is where i'm actually thankful for jeremie and matt for holding me to such a high standard for a college freshman in her first research lab. a lot of their lessons have actually managed to stick and my technique is pretty amazing. of course, it's also a little easier now that i actually understand the concepts behind everything that i'm doing. also, i've found i can only run a column while listening to hardcore rock. i have jeremie to thank for that as well.
if you talk to me at all in the coming weeks and months, i will probably complain about running a column at some point so i decided i might as well take the opportunity to explain the process here before everyone starts asking questions (i'm looking at you, mom and lisa).
first, you start with silica gel. you dissolve it in your solvent system (i'm not going to try to explain how to choose a solvent system in this post) and pour it into your glass column. you want to make sure you have enough silica so that your molecules have plenty of room to separate. second, you load your impure product on the top of the silica layer then cover that with sand. the sand is there to protect the top of your silica layer from getting disturbed when you pour solvent in. it's important that your silica layer and impure product remain as level as possible, otherwise your molecules start running down the column slanted and you get what is called "mixed fractions," meaning you have collected more than 1 type of molecule in the test tube, which is bad.
okay, now that you have all that set up, you pour in some solvent and then cap the column with a nitrogen line. you increase the pressure in the column by blowing nitrogen onto it and that makes the solvent move through it quicker than it would if you just let gravity pull it down. assuming you've chosen your solvent system correctly and done everything else correctly thus far, theoretically you should be able to let the solvent drip into the test tubes below and manage to collect only one type of molecule at a time.
now, to give you an idea of how long this can take, each of those test tubes can hold roughly 10 mL and can take about 3 minutes to fill (this can be shorter if you turn up the nitrogen even higher but you run the risk of getting a whole different set of problems if you go too fast). for this particular column i was running, i went through roughly 1 L (or 1000 mL) of solvent. remember how it was 3 minutes per 10 mL? that means it took me around 5 hours to run this column. and even then i technically wasn't finished. i was forced to stop because we ran out of the solvent i was using.
wow. actually writing it out made it that much more depressing.
anyway, enough about chemistry. i probably did a horrible job of explaining this. i'm going to try and think of how to explain the theory behind it for a future post. don't hold your breath, though.
on a lighter note, my parents love me! they sent me a box full of fun stuff for valentine's day, including refills of my medications! wooohooo! but my favorite thing tucked inside was this:
Spring Lamb (Shaun the Sheep) from Alexey Volkov on Vimeo.
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
My Review of The Big Bang Theory Singing Soft Kitty Plush
Originally submitted at CBS
Soft Kitty,Warm kitty, Little ball of fur. Happy kitty, Sleepy kitty, Purr purr purr. The Big Bang Theory Soft Kitty Plush From: The Big Bang Theory Labs Prescribing MD: Sheldons Mom RX: #355717 Contains: 1 Soft Kitty Plush Indications: For when you're sick Instruction: Press Big Bang Theory Soft K...
warm kitty, soft kitty...
By Laura from Salt Lake City, UT on 12/21/2011
Best Uses: Teens, Adults, Older Children, Young Children
Describe Yourself: Education Oriented, Single, Graduate student, Student
Was this a gift?: Yes
soft kitty...what can i say? the moment i saw it, i knew i had to have it. i got it for my birthday and i love it. even my friend who had never seen TBBT loved it (i'm happy to say that she is now hooked on the series). other reviewers have said that it's hard to operate but i had no problems figuring it out. it's a wonderful gift!
(legalese)
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